Assisted Procrastination

While I don’t want to ever blog directly about work, I do think there are many environmental elements of my workplace that make PRIME fodder for blogging. My local cafeteria, specifically, offers a wealth of content. Besides their numerous failed efforts to kill me over the years, they are incredibly adept at doing the simplest of things completely wrong.

For example, today I’m still battling the cold that has plagued me since late last week, yet I needed to make an appearance in the office and so dragged my sniffling butt out of bed and into work. I was delighted to learn that the soup of the day is Creamy Tomato Basil (I have accepted that they will never serve something as simple as tomato soup). I was eager to compliment the soup offering with an old-fashioned grilled cheese sandwich. [Next to chicken noodle soup, this combo is the best illness-relief offering imaginable]. So I asked the always grumpy short-order cook for a grilled cheese sandwich assuming everyone knows how a grilled cheese sandwich should be. These are the basics, folks. No need to ask questions – anyone who wants a twist on their grilled cheese will request it.

1. No, I don’t want tomato on it. Does anyone really want warm tomato on a cheesy comfort food sandwich??
2. Use white bread. WHITE bread. Don’t make me ask for it twice – this is the default.
3. American cheese ONLY. Again, if someone wants something else, it’ll be specified. Go with the default in all other instances.
4. Do NOT cut the sandwich on a diagonal and it needs to be cut into 4 pieces. Did I mention this is a comfort food? Four (4) squares.

So, because I felt like crap and was in no mood to return to argue, I ate my grilled cheddar cheese, 2 triangle sandwich at my desk all the while muttering. One day, the cafeteria people will really piss me off while I’m actually IN there and I pity the person who gets the wrath of my pent up cafeteria frustrations.

And for those of you who were wondering, I now buy my morning coffees elsewhere because I (stupidly) assumed it was common knowledge (and food safety mandated) that workers DO NOT lick the spoons they use to stir customers’ beverages.

Things I have learned (in no particular order):

• A yak is not a bird. Don’t know why I ever thought it was, but in my mind, it was big, dumb, and ugly like an ostrich or emu. This lesson came from a recent humorous debate between my husband and I – it turns out he’s right. They are closer to a cow than a bird. I can also say I’ve never actually seen one in real-life and I don’t consider it a loss. Don’t laugh at me — I know someone who didn’t know what a mole looked like for the longest time.

• This is what a marmot looks like (thank you to Wikipedia for knowing and having images of almost all things important). The “mole person” from above will now need to either determine what was in the yard or come up with another undefined animal name to call the mystery creature. I look forward to the discovery either way.

• Contrary to what I was taught in grade school, the buffalo may indeed have been driven TO extinction, but they are not ACTUALLY extinct. In fact, they are ugly and thriving in the mid-west as well as the Ted’s Montana Grill down the street (not so much thriving there). I learned this first-hand during a stint in Oklahoma. Longtime residents of the area were astounded and thought me insane to have believed these animals were extinct. I don’t think someone born, raised, and never having left the state has a basis for determining the sanity of others. With that said, I don’t necessarily doubt their questions about my sanity.

• Lastly for today, Allspice and Season All are NOT interchangeable in recipes. (This only relates to zoology if the intention is to feast upon the animal subject.)

To address the inevitable PETA flames, I offer the following disclaimer: To my knowledge, I have never eaten any of the animals mentioned on this page either with or without any type of seasoning. Happy Hunting!