Assisted Procrastination

The human body is an amazing thing capable of transforming food into the fundamental building blocks of life, growing magnificent hair, and creating the cutest of babies.  Now, thanks to a delightful summer cold, my body has miraculously morphed the 2 cups of coffee I had at breakfast into a revolting volume of mucous. Astounding, I tell you!

When ordering lunch today, my waiter ever so enthusiastically praised my lunch selection with an “Excellent choice!” (a cheese steak sub and fries at a sports bar). This led me to wonder, what item on the menu would I have to order to get the exact opposite response? Or are waiters just trained to commend patrons on their selections regardless of what they order in the same way a parent applauds a potty-training child for making it to the bathroom even if they don’t quite hit the potty?

And did I just manage to equate ordering lunch at a sports bar to being potty trained? Because the two are nothing alike. After successfully “pottying” I am entitled to a jelly bean and there were NO jelly beans at the end of my meal!

Dear Strip Mall Vietnamese  Aesthetician,

Just for future reference, your unending compliments would have resulted in a very nice tip had you not waxed off a third of my left eye brow. My dress may have been flattering, but even that won’t detract from the freak show that is now my brow line.

Thanks!

So, Internet, do I draw it back in or rip out the right one to match? Did I mention I’m going to a conference for the next couple days where I will get to interact with experts and my peers in the industry?